appropriately-inappropriate:
Indeed, it does clarify that end bit— it is a matter of degree. I think we’re agreeing in circles now, which is fun but not terribly productive.
However, I do want to extend an apology. I’m very sorry if I accidentally misgendered and/or hurt your feelings! That certainly wasn’t my intent, so I figure I should apologize just in case.
In regards to the PlatonicLifePartner deal, I’ve always considered the criteria as: “Are your parents convinced you’re dating?”
If the answer is yes, progress to the next question:
“ARE you dating?” If yes, then it’s not platonic. If no, then it’s got potential for a PLP.
As for queerplatonic, I’m just not sure that I agree with the concept of close/intimate friendships ‘queering’ anything. I mean, having intimate friendships with a person wherein you feel so comfortable you call them while you’re bathing, or write smut or whatever with them (either in an rp or a writing project or a whatever the hell)… that’s not particularly queer, is it?
I mean, if it’s two queer people then maybe it is, but I don’t know that the sheer nature of the relationship makes it any queerer.
I guess I’m just… hesitant to say that two cis hetero girls who bitch about how their boyfriend can’t find the clit with both hands and a GPS are in any way ‘queering’ the notion of friendship.
But go figure!
No worries, you didn’t really offend/hurt me; it just ended up being kind of awkward for me to respond to, heh. (I’m agender, for the record, and I dislike using the term “woman” to apply to myself for that reason.) Thank you for the apology, though, I appreciate the concern. 🙂
So first off, I think I should say that I’m really not arguing for using “queerplatonic” at all, which I may be misreading you, but it seems you think I am? I thought I’d made myself more clear, but perhaps I didn’t: I find that “queerplatonic” is a term that, were there no baggage attached to it, would most closely evoke a match to the type of relationship I’m attempting to describe. But it does have that baggage, and I agree that given the usage of “queer” in society as both a slur and an identity, it’s inappropriate to use “queerplatonic” in many cases. If a queer-identified person feels it suits, I’m not going to argue they shouldn’t, but I don’t feel like it’s a term I can use at all, and so I’m not going to.
What I’m trying to get at, though, is that there are areas in-between, and that’s what I want a term for (and I suspect what people were originally trying to coin a term for, but I could be wrong there). Anecdotally, but several ace people I know end up with relationships where they can’t talk about them, either because they’re not romantic/sexual relationships like would be assumed but something more than even close, intimate friendship, or just that it’s frustrating when “close, intimate friendship” is the end of the line for you, that is THE most important relationship in your life, but all the current terminology and societal push says friendship is/should be secondary, and you just want a term that implies that this friendship is your most important relationship, hands down, the way saying someone is your “significant other” implies, while acknowledging it is still a friendship first and foremost. (Which is another reason PLP really doesn’t work as a general, given it really doesn’t have the same implication of “above all others,” in my experience.) Also, I’ve personally had relationships that when people asked “ARE you dating?” (if we were being honest) the answers we gave were, “I don’t know, sort of,” because neither “yes” nor “no” made much sense, so your qualification is still kind of iffy for me.
So yes, I’ve had close friendships that I’ve been comfortable enough in or intimate enough with to talk about TMI topics or otherwise break “taboo,” and I wouldn’t be including them in the category of relationships I’m referring to, since for myself, it’s not my “end of line” relationship, which is what, in my mind, “queerplatonic” would be a useful term to use to distinguish as differing from close friendship. And again, don’t think it’s a good term, because yeah, I don’t think it’s actually “queering” the friendship at all, but all I really meant to say was that it really is a different thing, sometimes, and I would really like if there was a term or set of terms that made these distinctions without stepping on anyone else.